Enjoy..........
Love on a Link Machine
Looking up from the remains of his individual meatfeast pizza, Roger noticed the most beautiful young girl waving from the upper deck of a park and ride bus. After a second glance over his shoulder to be sure she was actually waving in his direction, he shyly glanced up, and gave her a quick wave.
“Drinks…..Drinks…..” A Strange foreign voice interrupted his thoughts of wild, passionate sex with this gorgeous specimen. “No thanks, Just the bill please.” After paying, Roger reluctantly walked the two minutes along to the next Pizza Hut on St. Andrews street where he had been working since he left university six years ago with a masters in Biochemistry. This in-depth study drew him to Pizza Hut to develop his research in the widely neglected field of Fungi.
Five minutes later he was standing alone on the pavement outside with his favourite sandwich board, which he had named Terence, who was co-incidentally his only friend. His thoughts wandered to the bus-girl, who roger had decided to rename Busgirl. Roger had never had much of an imagination, and six months parading the streets of Cambridge had done little but blunt the triangular corners of the few remaining sandwiches in Rogers’ picnic. (I was feeling creative so added this little bit in. I hope you enjoy it guys) In Rogers mind Busgirl was standing behind him, throwing her long blonde hair over her shoulder, whispering into his ear:
“Excuse me? Could You Tell me where the nearest cash point is please?” It was her
“Um…Ummm….” He Stuttered like Gareth Gates on his first episode of possible (which just goes to prove, that some jokes do indeed lose their funniness over time!) “I’ll show you” He disregarded Terence in one swift movement. As he lent down, he admired the blatant, heaving, cleaverage.
Leading the random lady to the nearest cash point, he realized that this was one posh piece of bacon – Surely she had to be from better places than this area of Cambridge? As they reached the cash machine, Roger flopped out his throbbing love wand. Her eyes bulged at the huge slab of kebab meat which lay before her. And so began love on a link machine.
Some time after tupping the white ewe, and long after the rocky steep (had) rose, on their tandem bike, they rode through the idyllic city of Cambridge, admiring the copious amounts of pizza eateries and the random golden pineapple next to the golden cathedral.
Waiting at the frequent traffic lights, his eye was caught by the clumsy business men, running awkwardly with their heavy briefcases and thick-rimmed spectacles as they passed the old-fashioned and expensive houses. Roger used this opportunity to think of how he was with this beautiful, yet strangely intelligent, random young lady. Roger used this opportunity to picture himself planting his seed, in one of the many greenhouses in the city center. Roger was a keen gardener.
Remebering that he only had $10 on him (my pound key is buggered), Roger decided to take the random girl to the cheap, yet cheerful Wetherspoons, where he purchased copious amounts of drinks. He was awestruck by the value, and the spectacular deals on offer, such as 4 shots for a fiver. This ought to be more than enough to get any girl hammered, Roger thought to himself, but said out loud.
As they took their seats, it was hard not to notice a lonely old man smoking a pipe. It made Roger feel so lucky to have found this random lady. The friendly atmosphere, despite the frantic guests, encouraged them to start their date by consuming copious amounts of alcohol. They drank until evening arrived. Roger felt this would be an opportune moment to break out the illuminous armbands and fluorescent lamps to his bike.
They mounted the bike as they had done only three hours sooner and rode past the now famous Abbey National cash machine. A sign had been newly erected to mark the earlier passings of the day.
At the same time, Rogers friend, known only as Mullet Man, was finishing his last round on the park and ride bus. He had also been drinking, the allure of $1.65 per pint of carling being too tempting to resist at yet another Wetherspoons. His eyesight was starting to blurry, and only at the last minute did he see the Chinese man riding his bike. In a cruel twist of fate, whilst swerving to avoid the man he hit Roger and the random lady on the Tandem.
Mullet man jumped out of his seat and ran to see the carnage that had only just ensued. As he reached the innocent victims of his fatal mistake of drinking before driving, he realized that it was one of his few companions in the world, Roger. He tried to resuscitate him, but Roger had snuffed it.
A week later, Rogers’ disfigured body was buried with Terence. They had moved on to a better place, no longer having to slave for $2.50 an hour ever again. Both Mullet Man, and Random Lady attended the funeral. Their eyes met as the singing barman sang ‘I will always love you’ as the coffin plummeted to the ground.
As the mourners tailed off from the church, it was ironic that as the coffin engulfed itself in flames, so, too were Mullet man and the random lady. Both metaphorically, as their passion burned with such a force, but also physically, as they both caught light, and inexplicably blew up. Only the mullet survived.tayed up past my bedtime to do this for you guys, give it the respect it deserves!!!
